Unsub Poker
by danicalif80
Summary: What if 12 of the Unsubs decided to play poker together.  Crackfic, R


**UNSUB POKER**

**Disclaimer - I won none of the characters, or the show.**

**WARNING! - Has some swearing and a lot of blood. The evil plot bunnies have struck again.  
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On a dark stormy night in Virginia, several of the Unsubs the BAU had encountered over the years came together in a darkened apartment and decided to have a poker game, winner take all. At 6 sharp, they all gathered inside the apartment to start. There was George Foyet, Amber Canardo, Adam/Amanda Jackson, Ted Bryer, Owen Savage, Frank Breitkopf, Floyd Ferell, William Lee, Sarah Danlin, Samantha Malcolm, Karl Arnold, and Tobias Henkel all in attendance. They had all been corresponding and commiserating for several months and had finally decided to meet, not that far from the J Egdar Hoover Building itself, if nothing else but to taunt the BAU.

Floyd was the first at arrive.

"What, am I the only one who believes in coming on time?"

"Oh shut up, 'Hannibal the Cannibal'," snapped Foyet back. "We can't all fit in an elevator, besides, there would be a good chance that _someone_ wouldn't make it out alive." Foyet then put his mask on and taunted Floyd with the knife.

"I don't know if I wanna be here," said Samantha.

"Yes you do, otherwise, I'll throw you off this fuckin' buildin', sweetheart," came from Amanda.

Then the rest of the unsubs filed into the apartment. They were amazed on how neat it appeared, but then Amber and Karl began to ransack the place. Fortunately, they didn't get very far. Frank injected them both with Ketamine.

"Manners, people. We are all guests in the humble abode, and I don't think that the tenant here would like us to desecrate it." Then Frank eviscerated both Amber and Karl.

"Well that's one way of getting rid of the trash," came from William. "We didn't need those two anyway."

"Ok who deals first?"

"I will, I think I'm the most stable," replied Ted.

"No cheating," Sarah said.

"It is a sin against the Lord almighty to bear false witness," said Raphael.

Ted then dealt the first hand, whilst talking to Leo and Joe, who was a new but welcome voice.

"He's cheating!" cried Owen.

"But I can't help it. It's Joe and Leo who are telling me what cards the rest of you have..." The rest of the sentence was cut short by Foyet, who unsheathed his knife and plunged it into Ted's throat. Ted died almost immediately.

"That's gross!" exclaimed William.

"Why don't we go into the bedroom then," replied Sarah. "Count me in late."

"Sure thing," replied Karl. "I'll deal next hand."

"No. We cannot trust you to be fair. But we can be," Charles Henkel said. Then Raphael spoke up, "With us angels, there is no right or wrong. Let us deal."

"Why not," said Frank. If you can't trust an angel, who can you trust?"

Raphael began dealing the next hand while William and Sarah went into the main bedroom.

"Can you deal with a girl in charge for once when it comes to sex?"

"No I don't, Sarah, it's all the same."

So William allowed Sarah to tie him to the bedposts, then Sarah blindfolded him. Next Sarah drew her knife, immediately going after his penis first, then proceeding to the rest of his body. After killing William, Sarah reapplied her lipstick and re-joined the rest of the remaining players.

As she reentered the living room, she almost tripped over Samantha's dead body.

"Ok, who whacked the whiny one?" she asked.

Owen raised his hand. "She kept on and on about it being too bloody, too graphic, so we had to do something about it."

"Good riddance," Amanda added.

"I'm in now, who's dealing?"

"I still am."

"Then deal."

As Raphael dealt the next hand, Foyet saw something out of the corner of his eye. It was Floyd, trying to cook the remains of Amber and Samantha. But before he could get the pot to boil, Foyet stabbed Floyd 24 times.

"Having fun there, Foyet?" asked Owen.

"Much so. Let's continue."

Owen kept eying the remaining player, wondering who was going to be the next one to die. He then tried to sneak to the door. His attempt did not last very long, however, Amanda was watching him the whole time. Amanda then jumped from her seat and beat Owen to death.

"I'm thinkin' he's out of the game now. That much more for the rest of us then." Amanda let out an evil laugh. Sarah then leapt towards Amanda with a knife in hand, stabbing Amanda several times, then also cutting off Adam's penis as well.

"She has issues," Frank said calmly. Frank then injected Sarah with the same drugs and killed her as well.

"9 down 2 to go," Foyet smirked.

"More if you include all of Blondie here's personalities," added Frank.

"The Lord our God has declared the both of you unholy! For that, your punishment must fit your crime!" Before either Frank or Foyet could reach Tobias, Charles shot both men with his six-shooter.

"And may the Lord forgive you for you're sins."

Tobias looked around the apartment. The Unsubs as a collective had completely trashed the place at this point. Tobias could not help but smile, not noticing the baseball bat from behind. The woman holding the bat kept hitting Tobias until his head was almost completely caved in. And just as she had finished killing Tobias, the key to the apartment turned. The tenant had arrived home. The woman immediately turned off the light and waited.

"Mom? How did you get out? What are you doing here?" Dr. Spencer Reid asked curiously.

"We're animals Spencer. We feel things."

Spencer turned on the light and saw the carnage that was once his apartment.

"Mom, tell me you did NOT,"

"Only this one," as Diana Reid gestured towards Tobias' body.

"I wonder if I can get any of the deposit money back."

**A/N Sorry, but since I love Reid so much, I decided to be evil and place the event at his place. Reid and Review?**


End file.
